10.26.2013

Cartoon Saturday

Kinda like a Drive-In Saturday, but with less Bowie and more cartoon.

Mostly thinking about the end of the world today. At some point, I may post an edited version of this sermon with the previous two. But first I gotta write it.

10.20.2013

Electric Pacifist

This seems more like a preliminary sketch rather than a finished piece - however, given the size of the audience, it seems unlikely that I'll really come back to this and put a lot more time into it. So, this is what you get: if you think it deserves a more "professional" treatment, let me know.


10.19.2013

"Just" cartoons


I will probably write more about being a "bad chaplain" at some point - but for now, let me just offer these cartoons, one of which was actually written during someone's sermon in chapel at the hospital.

10.11.2013

Bad Chaplain

I've been thinking lately of Graham Greene's novel, The Power and the Glory. For those of you who haven't read it, it's set in Mexico in the 1930's, a time of persecution of Catholics. The anti-hero is a priest who is a drunk and a coward, who has a child that he doesn't quite acknowledge (but he won't give up the priesthood to marry the mother of this child, even though that's one options the redshirts are offering, albeit accompanied by much ridicule). If I were to summarize - keeping in mind that many people think this is Greene's best novel (not me, I still prefer Travels with My Aunt) - I'd say it's about God's ability to work through us despite our flaws.

I don't think I'm a bad chaplain in the sense of not doing my job well. I'm sometimes surprised at how well I seem to be doing - bringing comfort to people in distress, offering the hope, or even just the attentive ear that they need. I think I'm a pretty good chaplain, and working to be a better one.

But I worry about the rest of my life, outside the hospital. I don't quite feel the same sort of pressure that a pastor of a church does, since I don't have a "community" in that sense, looking over my shoulder and (potentially) whispering about what I'm doing. I do recognize, though, that many of the patients I see have an image of the clergy that I know I don't live up to: at the very least, they probably think I sing hymns, or listen to K-Love rather than cranking up Black Sabbath and Grand Funk. I'm not really worried about the music of course - it's the other things.

Even after I've made a mess of my personal life, though, it continues to surprise me that I can walk into a patient's room and make such a big difference in their day. And once in a while, being a "bad chaplain" - breaking the rules in order to meet the needs of a patient - makes me a really good chaplain.

(That's not really where I thought this post was going to end, certainly not where I thought it was going when I started it, but... here we are. And it's probably time to go to bed now.)

9.26.2013

Second post

Well, the second post for September, and at this rate the last one as well.

My biggest news is that my supervisor asked me if I had considered being a supervisor - something I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have asked if he didn't think I could do it. So, that's a strong vote of confidence. But other than that I've just been busy, and the cartoons are few and far between (except when they're really dark - this one isn't so bad, but based on a true story).

At some point I need to revisit the "self-care for trauma helpers" guide. Probably not tonight, though.

9.13.2013

Falling behind

So it's already mid-September, and I haven't been posting as much as I had hoped. Part of the problem is a lousy internet connection at my apartment (there's supposed to be a wireless network throughout the building, but I have to go sit in the basement to actually get a signal) - but honestly, most of it is just being tired. I haven't even drawn a cartoon in a while, even though I've had several ideas (most of which are admittedly pretty dark - not that I won't draw and post them at some point).
I have been painting, although obviously not working too hard on my photography - I need to take that more seriously if I want to reopen my etsy shop. And I think that's all I'm going to say for now.

8.31.2013

End of the Week

This past week wasn't as busy as I feared (I didn't have to be on-call on consecutive nights!) - and I'm painting again (and I'll post pictures when it feels finished). I have this odd persistent cough that is aggravating; I keep thinking it's going away, but it doesn't. Next week will be busy again, but after that it should get better for a while.

I feel as though I should have some sort of profound thoughts this evening, but I don't. And if I did, I should probably write them down for tomorrow's worship service rather than posting them here.

8.22.2013

Yet Another Thursday

I missed my entire first week of work - that is, post-orientation - due to illness. Not that I was particularly sick, just that I was contagious and really couldn't go visit hospital patients. I'm still coughing a bit, which is odd since that wasn't part of the problem last week, but I'm back on the floors seeing patients.

At the moment, I don't have anything particularly insightful to add, but I thought you might like to see this fox I drew over the weekend.

8.19.2013

True Story!

I stopped by a local sub shop on the way home the other day, because I was really hungry, and had the following exchange:

"I'd like a ten-inch artichoke sub, with mushrooms."

"Will that be six, eight, ten or twelve-inch?"

"Ten-inch, please."

"And would you like mushrooms on that?"

"Yes, mushrooms."

I suspect he had no idea why I was so irritated, although he might have been if he'd read this cartoon.

8.17.2013

Frustrating Day

I may at some point find the Skinner study that talks about intermittent reward... but more of today has been spent thinking I might have internet, and then losing it, and then maybe connecting again... and so on... anyhow, the best parts of my day were those I spent intentionally off-line, walking, reading, drawing, and napping. 

I guess that would probably also have been true if I'd had more reliable internet. But I wouldn't have spent nearly so much of my day waiting, waiting, waiting...

8.06.2013

Hello, Pawnee!

I was on live television this afternoon, for a local cable news show. Which was kind of exciting. No, very exciting. Even if I didn't think anyone was watching. (The interview was about the upcoming exhibit of my work, fyi - I've been posting bad pics of the different works to be exhibited, but I'm hoping to have some much better ones of the exhibition itself.)

So, last time I wrote, I was pondering whether or not I was Peter Pan. Yesterday a friend reminded me of the song I wrote back in seminary - Hey Blue Fairy - and the unrecorded bridge that addressed this directly. For the sake of clarity I'm posting the video I made (years after the fact - I barely even try to lip-synch) - but also the lyrics, including the lyrics of the bridge (which as I've already said, isn't in the recorded version of the song but were written soon afterwards, so don't leave me snide comments about the omission).
 I've traveled 'round the world, though I never really meant to
I fell in with some villains and I gladly went along
I learned a lot of lessons, though most of them the hard way
I did a lot of stupid things to show that I was strong

Chorus: I've been turned into a donkey
             I've been swallowed by a whale
             Put down these childish toys to make way for better things
             I'm tired of other people always pullin' on my strings
             Hey, Blue Fairy, when will you make me real?

They say my nose grows longer, but you know it really doesn't
Though I'm told I do blush deeply when I try to tell a lie
My conscious tries to stop me though I very seldom listen
In my heart I know that I'm not such a bad guy

 (Omitted verse) Now I'm getting older and my paint it chipped and fading
My joints are getting rusty and I'm moving kinda slow
I'd really like to dance now but I'm feeling rather wooden,
I've come so far, but there just so far to go

Chorus 

(Omitted bridge) But I've never lost my shadow
                          And I've never learned to fly
                          I'm no puer aeternus
                          I'm no Catcher in the Rye

 I left home kind of early 'cause I thought that it was Boring,
Given what I've seen since, I can't say that I was wrong
Now I need some shelter and I really miss my father
I've lost my way, the road home seems much too long

Chorus

Now I understand that, just because I wrote a song six years ago in which I declare myself Pinocchio and distance myself from Peter Pan doesn't mean that I'm not Peter Pan... but I do think it speaks to wanting to be settled somewhere, and I recorded the video at a time when I was about to leave a place I had hoped to settle (I actually hadn't quite put that together for myself until just now - why that song then?).

Anyhow -

8.02.2013

Peter Pan

I was just called Peter Pan.

Or rather, last night, a friend was talking about her initial love of the story when she was a child, and then her disappointment when she later understood the implications of Peter refusing to leave Neverland.

And then I asked if she thought I was Peter, and I could tell by her reaction that she hadn't thought it before I said anything, and then it all clicked.

So that's what I'm pondering at the moment.

7.30.2013

Based on a True Story!

...the hearing of the so-called joke, not the subject of said joke.

This morning I kept thinking of the meme, "I have no idea what I'm doing." You know why? Because I have no idea what I'm doing. 

That's all for today.

7.29.2013

Monday Morning

Sometimes I write out lengthy posts - seriously, I've been writing and editing for over an hour now - and then realize that I can't really publish them. Oh well: maybe I'll draw some cartoons and post them later today.

7.27.2013

Jazz

"I like jazz"
"No, you don't."
I respond with something like, you can't say that.
And she replies, in the last five years, I haven't heard you listening to any jazz, or going to any jazz concerts. Therefore, you don't like jazz.

I don't normally mention this conversation to give her credit, but this morning I will: in that moment I thought, yeah, I do like jazz but I haven't listened to anything in a long time. My stated preferences didn't match my what I was actually doing.

In high school I really enjoyed our jazz band - many of my friends were members, so I heard many of their rehearsals and performances. One of my favorite tapes in college was the soundtrack to the movie 'Round Midnight, and perhaps the highlight of my freshman year was seeing Branford Marsalis in concert. My junior year, one of my favorite tapes was John Scofield's Still Warm. Michelle and I listened to that one a lot, and if I didn't have the tape  anymore it was because I gave it to her after we broke up (and if I did have the tape, I probably didn't listen to it because it reminded me so much of Michelle). Which is to say, there was a point in my life when jazz was important. But it was pointed out to me that my actions hadn't matched my self-understanding. That, I think, was really important, and it made me change my actions (in this case, I started reading about jazz and slowly accumulating a fairly large collections of CDs). Perhaps a trivial example, but I hope illustrative of something more significant.

What's the flip side of that - what do I actually do? Well, every day I read a variety of news sources - national politics from the Washington Post, global news from Foreign Policy, headlines from Slate, analysis and culture from The New Yorker, and of course Paul Krugman's blog and editorials. I care about being informed, and my actions reflect that. (I also like discussing news and politics, but that takes someone who is also relatively well-informed.)

What else do my actions reflect? I care about what I eat, both in terms of health and impact on the environment. I don't always articulate it like that - I'm not proselytizing for vegetarianism all the time - but I try to make sure my choices are consistent with that (also remembering the virtue of being a gracious guest - I like to phrase it in terms of Luke 10:7 - emphasis on "whatever they provide"). Oh yeah, I read the Bible, as well as other spiritual literature - and the poetry of Mary Oliver, Rainer Maria Rilke, and various Chinese poets - not every day, but more than once a week. I think that accurately reflects my need for a spiritual connection, even as I'd like to make it more central to my life.

I buy organic and/or fair trade foods when I can; that's been difficult economically recently, and I worry that's it's gotten too easy for me to just go cheap. I understand that my commitment to organic and fair trade foods isn't enough. I try to shop at local stores, probably not as much as I should, but I never shop at Wal*Mart if there's any other option (and I can say a lot more about that, but not today).

And I wonder, what else do my actions reflect - what do people see when they see me? Not just looking at a picture, or even across the table, but acting the in world? My values may or may not be revealed in the stories I tells about myself - because stories can be a good way of concealing, as well as revealing - but my actions reflect my true values, whether or not they match what I say.

I'm talking about integrity here, and I want to be clear that it's something I'm working on; I think that's a work-in-progress for everyone, all the time (except maybe for people who've reached Kohlberg's Stage 6 of moral development). But not just integrity: it's also about identity, who I am. I can tell you I like Indian food and jazz, I can tell you stories (eating a tablespoon full of wasabi in Boston!) but that doesn't necessarily tell you who I really am.

All of which is a lengthy preamble to the question, who are you?

7.26.2013

Another quick update -

Yesterday was spent mostly preparing for my upcoming gallery opening, and was very productive. I matted most of my prints and collages, and put a few into frames, and worked on several different paintings. I'm almost done with this one - another bad photo of course - and I'm happy with how the others are turning out.

Today... well, today isn't turning out as I'd hoped, and I don't see how it will get better (although I think the only way it could get notably worse is if I find out I have TB). 

I'm resisting the temptation to use my blog as a way of sending a message to a particular individual - not that I haven't done that before. But I don't think I'd say anything that I haven't said before. 

7.24.2013

A quick update

So: I've been seeing someone the past few months. I haven't really written about her directly; most of what's come out in the past few months that's been personal has been about my previous relationship (well, previous relationships in general, and occasionally the prior one specifically). And maybe that's part of the problem: I've been seeing someone the past few months, but I've continued to be preoccupied with the previous relationship.

Anyhow, I recently broke up with her (not too long after the previous post), and I've had a hard time explaining it to her. I still really like her a lot, and I miss her. She's an attractive, intelligent woman, and despite our differences - primarily age - I thought that things would work, that this would be a serious long-term relationship. But it has been increasingly clear (to me, not her) over the past few weeks that I wasn't the one. Things weren't clicking the way (I think) a good relationship should. Which is not to say that things weren't good with her: they just felt incomplete for me in ways that I've had a hard time explaining to her (which I realize is not quite the same as not understanding it myself). So I miss her, and I feel bad about making her sad, and I also feel bad that I can't be the one to comfort her (because that's a surprisingly natural role for me - or maybe not surprising at this point). I want to go over and hold her and tell her it will be okay, but I know that would only make things worse for her.

I tried to end things the best way I could, but I'm not really sure there is a good way. I left her two of my paintings - she's the only one who really liked the Hand, and she also really liked one of my window paintings - but I worry, is leaving these things behind good? They're something for her to hang onto, but I know they're also reminders of my absence.

In any case, my life is chaotic once again, at least for a while. And - surprise! - no cartoon today.

7.21.2013

Another day preaching...

...and I'm actually wearing one of my grandfather's ties. It's not as bad as that, of course - I'm not sure anyone would notice if I didn't say anything.

Today's text: Exodus 10:1-20. Sermon to follow, maybe.

7.18.2013

Travels

I've been visiting my parents this week, enjoying the weather of a Pacific Northwest summer: hot and dry during the days, cool at night (and in the mornings - I've really enjoyed taking long walks every morning before my parents get up, since I've more or less stayed on Eastern time).

Anyhow, that's (part of the reason) why I haven't been posting.

7.11.2013