Can't Sleep

About twelve years ago, I went through a bad break up. I wasn't sleeping much - often less than six hours a night - but I didn't feel tired, I had a lot of nervous energy. It wasn't very focused, though, and mostly I just ran in circles. Some of that running was literal - I kept moving, walking and hiking, and lost about twenty pounds over that summer. It didn't seem healthy - although in a sense I probably was, since it was the most active time of my life.

One of the things I remember about that period of time was seeing deer. I would come up on them unexpectedly, and they would run off. I think I saw deer every time I went out during that time period, more than normal. Maybe I was just paying attention more. Anyhow, I'm seeing deer again lately. Not every time I go out, but I'll quietly come up on them, and they'll watch me, and I watch them and keep going. Unlike last time, they're not just running off.

Yesterday I kept trying to write a new blog post, but everything I wrote either sounded angry or bitter, or pathetic and whiny. (Maybe this one does too; and I won't deny that those posts accurately reflected my mood.) I kept trying to tell a particular story, which is essentially the story of why this (current) break up shouldn't be happening - from my perspective, at least. And I keep realizing that it really only has an intended audience of one.

Twelve years ago, I eventually pulled myself out of my spiral because I realized - in the clear light of day - that the woman who had broken up with me was so clearly unsuitable - a bad match all around, not least of which because she identifies as a lesbian (she initiated our relationship, which I started off thinking was a bad idea, but she eventually talked me into thinking it might work, before breaking up with me).

One of the things that's so difficult about the current break up is that this (current) woman has been my best friend for the past six years. I won't say we've talked every day over that time - I'm guessing there have been a few short gaps, when we've been apart for one reason or other. We've spent a significant part of that time in different states, maybe totaling a year and a half out of the six. But the other four and half years, we've not only talked every day, we've spent most of our free time together, and that's been a very difficult adjustment to make. I miss just talking to her. I still have things I want to tell her, some that seem very important at the moment, and might - just might! - change her mind, see that we really should get married (she was the one who proposed, after all, and we've been through a lot of preparations for marriage) - but a lot of it is just mundane. I enjoyed the smoked gouda she bought me; I've started reading the book my mom got me for my birthday (it's okay). And of course lots of other things.

I am trying to work on my cartoons, and on screen prints and paintings, so I hope to start posting pictures again soon. This was never meant to be a blog primarily about the written posts - it was always supposed to be about the cartoons. So, more coming, I promise!